It’s been a hard day. Or week. Or months.

I don’t know how much I have left in me, it’s hard enough to go a whole day without breaking down anymore. So I’m distracting myself by writing this post.

I know I should have full trust in God, especially about the things I have no control over. I know that He would never disappoint me and that He hears all my duas and wouldn’t make me beg for something without giving me. It’s just that my own strength wavers every so often and I’m just.. weak.

But every time I feel like giving up, I’d suddenly get this urge and excitement to get up and pray for that thing even more — no matter how hurt I felt at that moment. Sometimes the more hurt I feel, the harder I pray that very thing. I now feel excited to pray just because I can dua as hard as I can over and over for that one thing.

:)

Maybe I should do something to distract my thoughts away, something fun that I’d actually enjoy doing. I’ve been thinking of opening a spam account of some sorts, somewhere I can just dump pictures from my gallery without care and make it just a place for memories. Like a ‘take a look inside my phone gallery’ kinda thing.

Of course, it’d be filled with pictures that would bring my heartache but whoops! What can I do?

What else can I say to keep my thoughts sane for now..

Personal achievements I’ve got so far, I guess?

 

My biggest toxic trait (or so I think) is that I — quite frankly — lack patience.

I’m still stuck in the slump I’ve been in for the past 6 months, although I’d be lying if I said that things at least didn’t get slightly better. But still, it hasn’t gotten to the point where I want it to be.

I know, I should have plenty of patience, for God loves me and only wants the best for me. I know.

It’s just that sometimes my patience falters because my thoughts would fixate on how much of a bad person I am and that my duas would never get granted because of all the sins I’ve committed. And then begins how snowball effect of how I’d start to lose hope and think of the worse possible outcomes and how I’d lose everything I ever wanted and wished for.

Sigh. It’s tiring having my mind.

I also tend to fixate on everything too early. One good thing happens, “oh maybe today will be the day my duas come true”. The next second, a bad thing comes my way and my eyes would start to water and my heart would stagger at the thought of my losing the things I prayed for. I take every little thing as a direct sign from God regarding my duas and I’m not really sure that’s a good thing.

I try to remind myself anytime that I can to have trust in God, that everything will be okay and amazing and the must be a reason He put it in my heart to think and make duas for that particular thing that I want every single day. I just need a little reassurance, I guess..

 

I really think it's time for a much-needed change in my life right now! I'm so tired! Ahaha.

 

Things are still floozy, very floozy. But my stubborn-ass heart just doesn't know when it's time to give up. Only reason why I'm back here so soon is I wanna get the neeerves off my chest.

 

Currently cozily seated at my desk, listening to The Weeknd's Die For You and Khalid's Young, Dumb And Broke that's blasting on the speakers of our office TV, trying to finish It Ends With Us to give myself a sense of accomplishment.

 

I'm saying all that as if I didn't just have a hysterical crying fit yesterday, ahaha. Sigh. I wish things would get better for me now. I know, at the back of my heart, Allah has me. He's gonna take care of everything and I should just sit back and relax. I know all that.

 

It's just that I'm eventually still human in the end, and humans are weak. I'm weak and emotional so I just cry to myself everytime my sadness gets triggered again.

 

I hope things will get better for me soon. I won't say much because I don't want to get my own hopes up that things will change soon. I can't think like that, I have to have lots of sabr. I hope God will lend me strength and sabr until then.

 

Remember the nerves I mentioned in the beginning? Yeah, they're not just from the emotional trainwreck that is my everyday life, they're also from my upcoming JPJ test. Tomorrow.

 

Yes, tomorrow as in right after today.

 

It'll mark whether I get my license or I have to spend an ungodly amount of money repeating said test.

 

I'll get the results on the same day, right after.

 

Needless to say, I'm absolutely horrified.

 

All the days of me hoping I get to drive my own car leads up to tomorrow. I really hope it'll be a smooth journey for me. AHHH!

(Disclaimer: There's so many things going on in my head so I might go on a multiple-tangent ramble over here. Haha).

Things have been tough lately. And when I say tough, I mean tough. Considering no one other than me is likely to be reading this blog, I’m just gonna dump my whoole feelings out.

Everyday feels so depressing for me. I can’t seem to sort my thoughts & feelings right and just end up making myself sad and cry to sleep for the most part. Like a true masochist. I keep dreaming of that oneee thing and I literally cannot for the life of me get it out of my mind that it just makes me upset as every second passes by where I’m not getting a signal from the universe that it’s coming my way.

I’ve truly have never felt this down before in my whole life — and nope, not even on Valentine's Day 2021. But that's a story for a another day, one that I'm not even sure I even want to open. It's gotten bad to the point where on the worse days, I'd have migraines from crying too much or my hair would start to fall out a lot more than before.

It's a handful, believe me.

It's not that I don't want to get better, it's just that everything and anything will redirect my thoughts towards that one thing and basically send me downhill all over again, like a vicious cycle. I want to feel better and happier, it’s just that sometimes I get that feeling that if I stop being sad about it, that it meant I’ve stopped caring about it and that I’d start to move on from it. I don’t want to move on from it, I want it. Maybe I just like making myself sad & my eyes puffy.

Anyways.

What surprises even myself is that I've found myself trying to get closer to God because of it. I’ve started to work on my daily prayers and trying to better myself as a Muslim, and learning of how kind and merciful God is as an effect. I find myself making dua for every little aspect of what I’ve been thinking of nonstop. Truth to be told, it’s the reason I started praying regularly.

Although things seem bleak now, I really, really, really hope that God will give me everything I wish for in the future.

Don’t get me wrong — there are days where I feel so exhausted and hopeless and tired of waiting but every single time I think that, eventually my spirits get back up miraculously. I really hope that it was God’s way of telling me to not give up and to keeping making dua for the very things that made me want to be closer to Him in the first place. Maybe there’s a reason why it wouldn’t leave my mind no matter how long it’s been or how upset I get about it. Aamiin.

Everyday I keep daydreaming of having a simple, peaceful life with domestic affection with my husband. Lols. I just really want to get married and have a simple, happy, lowkey lifestyle! Don’t blame me!

One where I could go home to my loving husband, have some cuddling that would last at most fifteen minutes because either one of us would get too hot, complaining about what happened at my simple job today and talk about all the things I wanna do together. In our moderately sized, minimally decorated apartment where it’s the perfect amount of cozy for the two of us. Or three if we decide to have a cat. Hehe. 

(And having welcoming, friendly in-laws would be such a lovely, lovely bonus. What a dream that would be!)

Ya Allah, please grant me all these things one day when I’m ready. I never thought I’d want something so bad in my whole life.

So… I did it today. I handed in my resignation letter.

Therefore, my journey of leaving the place I’ve worked at for nearly three years - and also the first ever place I’ve ever worked at - begins.

It was going so good in the early days. When everyone liked everyone and it wasn’t that hard to make friends. My workload wasn’t so batshit crazy and I actually reminisced about my working environment.

Sigh. 

Unfortunately now, I feel more on-edge and burnt out rather than happy at work. Before anyone says it: I know. Work is work, it’s not always going to be a walk in the park & fun and games. I know that.

It’s just that sometimes things get a bit too toxic - as much as I hate to admit it. I’m a strong person.. but I guess it’s time to put my foot down.

But my journey afterwards isn’t going to be so relieving either, I suppose. New beginnings, new people to get familiar with, new work ethnics and foreign projects that’ll be labelled ‘mine’.

Boy, am I scared or what? Haha.

Hopefully God will give me enough strength, motivation and confidence to get through all this. Tough times indeed.

I’ve figured that I’m the type of person who really lives in the moment. Today, me & the production team I’m interning at held our usual monthly get-together. Feasts, laughter, friendships — old or new — and all of the sorts. While all that was happening, seeing everyone so happy and stress-free (for once, haha!) and just getting along in general made me think to myself: if only I could stop time right this second and savor the moment just a bit longer. The happiness, just from seeing everyone enjoying themselves.

Where you can think of nothing but how joyous everything is — where you really forget all the troubles and hardships you had to endure for you to get to this point.

It really made me forget the anxiety I’ve constantly felt while working, how I always feel like everyone is judging and looking down at everything I’m doing. Well, not exactly everyone. Some of the crew take care of us like family, and I couldn’t be more thankful to them. But somehow I feel like the anxiety sometimes overpowers all those happy thoughts. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know.

But yeah, if only I could pause that moment. Let me remember only the good times with everyone, not the times when my thoughts convince me that I’m a piece of poop. Haha.

I’m not naive. I know these good times are gonna end sooner or later. Everyone’s gonna go their different ways and maybe by that time I’ll finally have mine paved clearly. Keyword being maybe.

Change is unavoidable, and maybe one day I’ll hopefully adapt to it.