I know I’ve just been here a couple of days ago but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna go crazy and blogging is the only thing keeping me sane right now so screw everything. I’m gonna blog everyday if it means I at least have one thing that’s keeping me grounded.

I thought I was getting better, until I got a strongly-worded wake up call today.

I feel so sad because I said that blogging keeps me grounded and not my prayers and tawakkul — I feel like I’m still failing at keeping my faith strong. I know that God is in-charge of everything and that nothing happens without his will, but yet why am I not trying to better myself because of that? Why do I still confide in worldly things instead of to Him? When I know that nothing is impossible of Him if He wills it?

My spirits get broken down so easily and I. Hate. That.

Right now all I’m thinking of are haram ways to cope, particularly drinking or getting a piercing done. It’s bad, but I don’t think I’m okay in my headspace and am just thinking of a means to rebel or temporarily stop dealing with my problematic reality.

A temporary high of some sorts.

This thought dampens my spirit down so much until I feel like my duas would never get accepted at this rate as long as I’m being like this. I feel like I’m not strong enough. I’m not patient enough. I’m not determined enough. I’m not enough.