My biggest toxic trait (or so I think) is that I — quite frankly — lack patience.

I’m still stuck in the slump I’ve been in for the past 6 months, although I’d be lying if I said that things at least didn’t get slightly better. But still, it hasn’t gotten to the point where I want it to be.

I know, I should have plenty of patience, for God loves me and only wants the best for me. I know.

It’s just that sometimes my patience falters because my thoughts would fixate on how much of a bad person I am and that my duas would never get granted because of all the sins I’ve committed. And then begins how snowball effect of how I’d start to lose hope and think of the worse possible outcomes and how I’d lose everything I ever wanted and wished for.

Sigh. It’s tiring having my mind.

I also tend to fixate on everything too early. One good thing happens, “oh maybe today will be the day my duas come true”. The next second, a bad thing comes my way and my eyes would start to water and my heart would stagger at the thought of my losing the things I prayed for. I take every little thing as a direct sign from God regarding my duas and I’m not really sure that’s a good thing.

I try to remind myself anytime that I can to have trust in God, that everything will be okay and amazing and the must be a reason He put it in my heart to think and make duas for that particular thing that I want every single day. I just need a little reassurance, I guess..