I really think it's time for a much-needed change in my life right now! I'm so tired! Ahaha.

 

Things are still floozy, very floozy. But my stubborn-ass heart just doesn't know when it's time to give up. Only reason why I'm back here so soon is I wanna get the neeerves off my chest.

 

Currently cozily seated at my desk, listening to The Weeknd's Die For You and Khalid's Young, Dumb And Broke that's blasting on the speakers of our office TV, trying to finish It Ends With Us to give myself a sense of accomplishment.

 

I'm saying all that as if I didn't just have a hysterical crying fit yesterday, ahaha. Sigh. I wish things would get better for me now. I know, at the back of my heart, Allah has me. He's gonna take care of everything and I should just sit back and relax. I know all that.

 

It's just that I'm eventually still human in the end, and humans are weak. I'm weak and emotional so I just cry to myself everytime my sadness gets triggered again.

 

I hope things will get better for me soon. I won't say much because I don't want to get my own hopes up that things will change soon. I can't think like that, I have to have lots of sabr. I hope God will lend me strength and sabr until then.

 

Remember the nerves I mentioned in the beginning? Yeah, they're not just from the emotional trainwreck that is my everyday life, they're also from my upcoming JPJ test. Tomorrow.

 

Yes, tomorrow as in right after today.

 

It'll mark whether I get my license or I have to spend an ungodly amount of money repeating said test.

 

I'll get the results on the same day, right after.

 

Needless to say, I'm absolutely horrified.

 

All the days of me hoping I get to drive my own car leads up to tomorrow. I really hope it'll be a smooth journey for me. AHHH!

(Disclaimer: There's so many things going on in my head so I might go on a multiple-tangent ramble over here. Haha).

Things have been tough lately. And when I say tough, I mean tough. Considering no one other than me is likely to be reading this blog, I’m just gonna dump my whoole feelings out.

Everyday feels so depressing for me. I can’t seem to sort my thoughts & feelings right and just end up making myself sad and cry to sleep for the most part. Like a true masochist. I keep dreaming of that oneee thing and I literally cannot for the life of me get it out of my mind that it just makes me upset as every second passes by where I’m not getting a signal from the universe that it’s coming my way.

I’ve truly have never felt this down before in my whole life — and nope, not even on Valentine's Day 2021. But that's a story for a another day, one that I'm not even sure I even want to open. It's gotten bad to the point where on the worse days, I'd have migraines from crying too much or my hair would start to fall out a lot more than before.

It's a handful, believe me.

It's not that I don't want to get better, it's just that everything and anything will redirect my thoughts towards that one thing and basically send me downhill all over again, like a vicious cycle. I want to feel better and happier, it’s just that sometimes I get that feeling that if I stop being sad about it, that it meant I’ve stopped caring about it and that I’d start to move on from it. I don’t want to move on from it, I want it. Maybe I just like making myself sad & my eyes puffy.

Anyways.

What surprises even myself is that I've found myself trying to get closer to God because of it. I’ve started to work on my daily prayers and trying to better myself as a Muslim, and learning of how kind and merciful God is as an effect. I find myself making dua for every little aspect of what I’ve been thinking of nonstop. Truth to be told, it’s the reason I started praying regularly.

Although things seem bleak now, I really, really, really hope that God will give me everything I wish for in the future.

Don’t get me wrong — there are days where I feel so exhausted and hopeless and tired of waiting but every single time I think that, eventually my spirits get back up miraculously. I really hope that it was God’s way of telling me to not give up and to keeping making dua for the very things that made me want to be closer to Him in the first place. Maybe there’s a reason why it wouldn’t leave my mind no matter how long it’s been or how upset I get about it. Aamiin.

Everyday I keep daydreaming of having a simple, peaceful life with domestic affection with my husband. Lols. I just really want to get married and have a simple, happy, lowkey lifestyle! Don’t blame me!

One where I could go home to my loving husband, have some cuddling that would last at most fifteen minutes because either one of us would get too hot, complaining about what happened at my simple job today and talk about all the things I wanna do together. In our moderately sized, minimally decorated apartment where it’s the perfect amount of cozy for the two of us. Or three if we decide to have a cat. Hehe. 

(And having welcoming, friendly in-laws would be such a lovely, lovely bonus. What a dream that would be!)

Ya Allah, please grant me all these things one day when I’m ready. I never thought I’d want something so bad in my whole life.